Mocking religion
Since I'm tearing into various religions at the moment, I figure I might as well go after as many as I can. Pay special attention to the role hucksters prophets play.
Scientology
Oh, hell, a simple quote from Wikipedia is good enough:
In Scientology doctrine, Xenu (also Xemu) is a galactic ruler (of the "Galactic Confederacy") who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to cause problems today. These events are known to Scientologists as "Incident II", and the traumatic memories associated with them as The Wall of Fire or the R6 implant. The story of Xenu is part of a much wider range of Scientology beliefs in extraterrestrial civilizations and alien interventions in Earthly events, collectively described as space opera by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology.
Yes, this is what Tom Cruise believes. You can download a recent South Park episode here.
Mormonism
Truly a gem among cults. Mormons believe that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri; that North America was settled by the lost tribes of Israel; that Jesus came to America; that the reason Native Americans do not display the customary look ofMiddle Easterners whites (the Israelites were white people, Anglo-Saxons, in fact) is that god punished them by turning them red; that presumably god went so far as to endow these punished tribes with genetic makeup that actually places their origin in northern Siberia; and that the fact that there is no verifiable trace of recent Eurasian colonization of America (genetic, linguistic, archaeological, you name it) is because god wanted it that way. Seriously. Oh, yeah, and god believes polygamy is totally A-OK, which was really convenient at the time and is still wink-nod tolerated by the 'church'.
This 'revelation' is based on 'scripture' 'found' by one Joseph Smith in the 19th century; he supposedly 'found' golden tablets engraved with strange writing, conveniently accompanied by a pair of spectacles that enabled the content to be read as English. When Smith's scribe lost the first transcript,Smith had to make up some new stuff Smith was instructed by god to start over with a comparable but slightly different version of this 'scripture', thus neatly proving that he totally made all this up was indeed divinely inspired. Nobody has ever seen the gold tablets, of course and oddly enough.
Roman Catholicism
Mary reigns as Queen of Heaven; except, presumably, when she gets bored and comes down to earth to talk to various individuals in out of the way places far away from the media. Oh, yes, and the pope is infallible when he speaks ex cathedra, which is Latin for 'at the office'. Conveniently for the founders – the Apostles – the church believes that priests must be men. Conveniently for homosexuals through the ages, they can't marry women. Come to think of it, Jesus wasn't married, nor were any of the Apostles. Hmmmmmm.
Islam
All men can marry up to four women; except for Mohammed, the prophet, who received a divine inspiration that he alone – being perfect – could marry as many as he wanted. Which he proceeded to do. Islam also maintains that there is one Koran – in heaven – and that the ones on earth are its mirror images, which leaves little room for transcription errors.
Orthodox Judaism
God hates bacon cheeseburgers on a number of levels; first, because they contain pig, and second, because they combine heated meat and cheese. God watches what you eat even if you do not; in particular, he hates meat and dairy together; unless, that is, you eat them cold, in which case it's OK. To honor god's resting on the seventh day, between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday, you may not:
The Church of England
The reigning monarch is head of the church, which reflects god's will, and not, say, the marital convenience of Henry VIII. Next up: Charles III, yes, that one. By the way, this is because the House of Windsor is descended not just from the kings of Wessex, but from King David himself – yes, the guy with the Bathsheba problem.
Evangelicals
The bible is literally true. Except when it's 'a metaphor', as in these examples from infidels.org:
The Bible is riddled with repetitions and contradictions, things that the Bible bangers would be quick to point out in anything that they want to criticize. For instance, Genesis 1 and 2 disagree about the order in which things are created, and how satisfied God is about the results of his labors. The flood story is really two interwoven stories that contradict each other on how many of each kind of animal are to be brought into the Ark--is it one pair each or seven pairs each of the "clean" ones? The Gospel of John disagrees with the other three Gospels on the activities of Jesus Christ (how long had he stayed in Jerusalem--a couple of days or a whole year?) and all four Gospels contradict each other on the details of Jesus Christ's last moments and resurrection. The Gospels of Matthew and Luke contradict each other on the genealogy of Jesus Christ' father; though both agree that Joseph was not his real father. Repetitions and contradictions are understandable for a hodgepodge collection of documents, but not for some carefully constructed treatise, reflecting a well-thought-out plan.
Scientology
Oh, hell, a simple quote from Wikipedia is good enough:
In Scientology doctrine, Xenu (also Xemu) is a galactic ruler (of the "Galactic Confederacy") who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to cause problems today. These events are known to Scientologists as "Incident II", and the traumatic memories associated with them as The Wall of Fire or the R6 implant. The story of Xenu is part of a much wider range of Scientology beliefs in extraterrestrial civilizations and alien interventions in Earthly events, collectively described as space opera by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology.
Yes, this is what Tom Cruise believes. You can download a recent South Park episode here.
Mormonism
Truly a gem among cults. Mormons believe that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri; that North America was settled by the lost tribes of Israel; that Jesus came to America; that the reason Native Americans do not display the customary look of
This 'revelation' is based on 'scripture' 'found' by one Joseph Smith in the 19th century; he supposedly 'found' golden tablets engraved with strange writing, conveniently accompanied by a pair of spectacles that enabled the content to be read as English. When Smith's scribe lost the first transcript,
Roman Catholicism
Mary reigns as Queen of Heaven; except, presumably, when she gets bored and comes down to earth to talk to various individuals in out of the way places far away from the media. Oh, yes, and the pope is infallible when he speaks ex cathedra, which is Latin for 'at the office'. Conveniently for the founders – the Apostles – the church believes that priests must be men. Conveniently for homosexuals through the ages, they can't marry women. Come to think of it, Jesus wasn't married, nor were any of the Apostles. Hmmmmmm.
Islam
All men can marry up to four women; except for Mohammed, the prophet, who received a divine inspiration that he alone – being perfect – could marry as many as he wanted. Which he proceeded to do. Islam also maintains that there is one Koran – in heaven – and that the ones on earth are its mirror images, which leaves little room for transcription errors.
Orthodox Judaism
God hates bacon cheeseburgers on a number of levels; first, because they contain pig, and second, because they combine heated meat and cheese. God watches what you eat even if you do not; in particular, he hates meat and dairy together; unless, that is, you eat them cold, in which case it's OK. To honor god's resting on the seventh day, between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday, you may not:
- Ride the subway or drive in a car – that's work. Instead, you must walk, which is not work.
- Carry money – that's also work.
- Tear off toilet paper – that's work, so prepare, or deal with it.
- Cook. Unless (it should be noted that all these restrictions also apply to innumerable holidays) it is a holiday, in which case you, provided you're a woman, may cook your traditional holiday meal.
The Church of England
The reigning monarch is head of the church, which reflects god's will, and not, say, the marital convenience of Henry VIII. Next up: Charles III, yes, that one. By the way, this is because the House of Windsor is descended not just from the kings of Wessex, but from King David himself – yes, the guy with the Bathsheba problem.
Evangelicals
The bible is literally true. Except when it's 'a metaphor', as in these examples from infidels.org:
The Bible is riddled with repetitions and contradictions, things that the Bible bangers would be quick to point out in anything that they want to criticize. For instance, Genesis 1 and 2 disagree about the order in which things are created, and how satisfied God is about the results of his labors. The flood story is really two interwoven stories that contradict each other on how many of each kind of animal are to be brought into the Ark--is it one pair each or seven pairs each of the "clean" ones? The Gospel of John disagrees with the other three Gospels on the activities of Jesus Christ (how long had he stayed in Jerusalem--a couple of days or a whole year?) and all four Gospels contradict each other on the details of Jesus Christ's last moments and resurrection. The Gospels of Matthew and Luke contradict each other on the genealogy of Jesus Christ' father; though both agree that Joseph was not his real father. Repetitions and contradictions are understandable for a hodgepodge collection of documents, but not for some carefully constructed treatise, reflecting a well-thought-out plan.
posted by Michael at 2:20 PM
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