Stalin for President campaign unveils platform

If chosen, I promise to:

* Finally fulfill Mel Gibson's martyrdom fantasies by having him chained to the Washington monument and letting all passers-by kick him where they deem it most painful

* Cede a portion of one of the less relevant states - Utah, Idaho, or some such - to James Dobson, so he can finally live out all of his fantasies without unduly disturbing the rest of us, as this blogger suggests

* Create the Scarlet Ichtypodean Order of Merit to recognize achievements in the much-neglected area of smart television entertainment

* By Executive Order, ban Bill O'Reilly from any audiovisual medium for life

* Deport Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity and Rush Liarbarf to the newly established outlaw territory of Dobsonia from their plush perches in Manhattan

* Force Tom Cruise and Ken Mehlmann out of the closet, as if anyone doesn't know just what is up with them

* Pre-empt the 700 Club with mandatory re-runs of South Park; henceforth, anyone wishing to view the fomer must first watch the latter, particularly the episodes in which Cartman establishes a church, here and here.

[Update: By Executive Order, all people who oppose gay rights would need to demonstrate mastery of the subject matter by taking it up the butt a few times. Talk the talk, walk the walk.]