Stalin talks to God

Every once in a while - usually on Sundays, after 'Desperate Housewives', God will call our house; she's a big fan, too. Here's a transcript of our most recent conversation.

[Phone rings]

Stalin: Hello?

God: Hi Stalin, it's me.

Stalin: God, so good to hear from you! I was wondering when you'd call - what's going on with you?

God: Oh, hon, I've just been too busy. What do you think of that creep who's dating Bree?

[Follows extended conversation on'Desperate Housewives'. God already knows the ending, so this is quite frustrating.]

God: So, I haven't decided yet if I'm going to strike down Terri Hatcher, who displeases me greatly. Anyway, what's going on with you in America? Have my hurricanes and floods worked?

Stalin: Well, I mean, you should know - you know everything.

God: True, but I do like to know how it plays on the ground.

Stalin: Alrighty. Here's what I'm seeing. The repugs are truly fucked - ow! That hurt!

God: You know how I feel about using that kind of language. You were saying?

Stalin, rubbing scorched fin: You have control issues, God, you really do. Anyway, as I was saying before you blitzed me, it does look like the repugs are taking a major, self-inflicted beating. Their rape of Social Security isn't going anywhere...

God, chuckling: Damn right not. I made sure of that.

Stalin: Oh, so you can swear, but I can't?

God: Stalin, I created the entire universe, and I make the rules. As far as that Social Security shenanigan is concerned, I smote them with blindness and stupidity, not that that was too much of a task.

Stalin, chuckling: You're so mean. So the trillion-dollar Wall Street heist goes astray, Iraq is going down the tubes..

God: Oh, Sweet Jesus, don't remind me of that mess. I hear Bush keeps on saying I talked him into it, which is just laughably false. I've never spoken to him; that would be the competition, but even Lucifer is getting tired of him. I mean, Satan has Cheney and Rove both installed in the West Wing, why does Bush need to call every day?

Stalin: Figures. So, with all those messes, Katrina hits. I have to say, that wasn't nice of you. And of course, the feds totally fu.., I mean, mess things up, lots of people die, and everyone finally realizes what a bunch of idiots are in charge. Then, they spring that Harriet Miers woman on their base, and all hell breaks loose. Tom DeLay gets indicted...

God: Finally. I've been working on that for years, but Satan has a deal with him, which made the whole thing a little bit more complicated. Did it help that I sent Rita into his district?

Stalin: Oh, I'm sure it did. Nice work on Trent Lott's house, by the way. So DeLay gets indicted, starts yammering about, get this, how he's being persecuted for political reasons...

God: That's kind of rich, but go on...

Stalin: Bill Frist gets subpoenaed by the SEC, and it looks like the whole White House cabal is going down courtesy of the Special Prosecutor.

God: Oh, trust me, they are. Get the champagne ready; I've been working on them for a while, too. Problem is, or was, that they're on contract with Satan, so I had to get a release from him first. You know how it is with union labor.

Stalin, chuckling: So you're behind this?

God, amused: Stalin, you know I'm a Democrat. The only reason I let them get in after Gore won the election was to completely discredit the republicans for a generation or two. It truly irritates me that they're Satan's largest earthly franchise, well, right after Microsoft and those Al Qaeda people.

Stalin: So how is Satan these days?

God: Honestly, he's kind of pissed at me right now, because I'm obviously messing with his biggest investments. He put a lot of money into those people starting with Nixon, and sure he likes the war and the general rot, poverty and all that, but he's rightfully worried about his investment. I always tell him how he's doing great with Microsoft, which does cheer him up a bit.

Stalin: So Satan owns the repugs and Al Qaeda both?

God: Sure - isn't it obvious? Didn't you notice how Bush is doing everything he can to help them, short of wiping Osama's behind?

Stalin: True enough. So, how do you feel about Dobson?

God: I haven't decided what to do about Dobson yet, or that Sheldon person. I'm glad they read my book all the time, but hey - it gets better towards the end, where I have all the uplifting stuff. If they don't start reading the parts about loving thine neighbor, and keep on getting stuck in Leviticus, which doesn't even apply to them, I'm going to smite them with butt boils or something else really unpleasant. My kid meant what he said about brotherly love.

Stalin: Speaking of which, what's your take on all that talk about having to be a christian to get to heaven? They don't make it sound too appealing as is, but are you really going to let them move in with you?

God: Put it this way: Satan has a bottle of barbecue sauce with Dobson's name on it.

Stalin, chuckling: So what's your religious preference, anyway?

God: I'm Jewish, Stalin.

Stalin: Hmmm. That would make sense, wouldn't it?

God: Ok, hon, I'm going to have to let you go; I'm sending another hurricane through a few red states. I love you, Stalin.

Stalin: I love you too, God.

[End]