Thursday, October 13, 2005

Intelligent Design is neither

In their ongoing war to drag America back into the Dark Ages, the wingnuts have come up with a none-too-surprising new tool: "Intelligent Design", or ID, a self-proclaimed theory about the origins of life on earth. To sum up ID for anyone who hasn't been paying attention, the theory postulates that, since the theory of evolution is just a theory, hey, who says that the Bible is wrong and God didn't, like, make everything? If this sounds like creationism in a new, sexy outfit to you, bingo - you understand.

ID exploits four essential weaknesses of the American mind. First, the ignorance of the American people regarding the distinction between conversational use of the word theory, and the meanings of the term in science. Second, the willingness of Americans to give differing ideas a fair hearing, no matter how bizarre the idea in question may be. Third, the age-old wingnut stratagem of whining like unlubed prison bitches if anyone argues against what they call their "Christian" beliefs. Fourth, Americans' instinctive, and fundamentally Progressive, distrust of 'elites' - in this case, pointy-headed biologists, who think they're smarter than plain old average folks, by virtue of a snooty triviality like training in biology, when biology is the subject at hand.

In conversation, a theory is an untested idea that may or may not be true. In science, a theory is a set of assumptions that can be proven or disproven by experiment and observation. The proof in favor of the theory of evolution is massive, and certain concepts of it - micro-evolution comes to mind - have been observed in nature and replicated in the laboratory. I'm more than willing to give ID a fair hearing - show me the experiments, with all the vast theological implications thereof. While you're at it, give me the ID explanation of the thoroughly useless appendix, or of any other body part, in a vast number of species, that no longer fulfills a purpose, and tell me how an intelligent designer could have produced such useless nonsense.

Academia has itself to blame - or more accurately, the Foucault-derived idea of subjective reality, whereby there is no such thing as objective reality or truth - for the frankly bizarre concept of treating all ideas, no matter how freakish, as possessed of the same intrinsic value. I have a faith-based theory of gravity - myriads of invisible, tiny angels hold everything in place. If you don't agree with me, you're a bad person, guilty of mocking my Christian beliefs, and going to hell. And if my theory isn't immediately taught in public schools, it proves that America is a godless, no, communist, dictatorship that persecutes Christians.

Wingnuts have embraced the cynical principle of squealing like bitches about their 'faith' to avoid argument for a very long time, and it's time for them to be called on it. God has a problem with bearing false witness - which creates a positive obligation for you to take care that what you say is indeed the truth. What you're doing when you advocate for rank, deceptive stupidity like ID, or Iraqi WMD for that matter, ignores that obligation. As a sidebar, imagine if the little wingnuts had applied the same standards of proof to the Bush agenda as they do to the theory of evolution - just imagine. In any event, for the proponents of ID (and the existence of Iraqi WMD), you're bearing false witness, displeasing God, and will burn in hell. End of story. And I do not want to see anything in the comments section about how I'm 'anti-Christian' or whatever because I'm holding you to your own Biblical standard.

Americans have a healthy distrust of elites, and this is essentially a good, Progressive thing. The problem is that wingnuts - and not by accident, as Tommy Frank has shown in 'What's the Matter with Kansas?' - have managed to present the discussion of the role of elites divorced from any economic context. This allows wingers to grandstand about academic and cultural elites - media, academia, New York Times readers, scientists, and so on - while shoveling tax cuts at the economic elites, trying to abolish the estate tax, pouring literally hundreds of billions into corporate coffers, umdermining middle-class entitlements like Social Security, and so on. I can tell you, wingers, from personal experience, that the real elites, the ones that sit in the boardrooms of Wall Street, laugh at you. That's right, laugh - you campaigned for Bush and against gay marriage, and what did you get? An attempt at Social Security privatization and a trillion dollars in fees to The Street, with the abolition of the estate tax and another trillion dollars to Paris Hilton and her set yet to come. The Street does not give a damn about ID, abortion, school vouchers, gay marriage, or whatever else exercises you - they want your votes for their economic agenda, which is, oddly enough, what always winds up on the actual Congressional agenda. Coincidence, or Intelligent Design of a different nature? You've been campaigning against godless libruls for twenty years - do you not wonder why the slogans are the same year after year, and none of your crap gets passed - except for the tax cuts, corporate giveaways, and whatever benefits the people who pay demand? Is this not a striking disconnect?

I'd ask the wingers to think this through, but that's a truly pointless exercise. You are the useful idiots that Lenin spoke of; and part and parcel of being a useful idiot is that you do not ask why, or to whom, you are useful. Just never ask about cui bono.